The title says it all... Or does it?
My apparent need to write about my impending birthday is, at the moment, accompanied by me being seated in an adequately comfortable chair, wearing what passes for pajamas in my household, and sipping one of my very favorite ales, a Lagunita's Lucky 13. A beer so good that it gets even more delicious as it breathes and drifts ever closer to room temperature. Such a shame that it is a seasonal beer and I will soon have to endure a long winter and spring before I can taste such a succulent brew again....
One might say that life is good for me right now, that obviously I am comfortable, I can apparently afford to buy my favorite beer and relax somewhat surreptitiously as my children occupy themselves with art and SpongeBob.
However, I can't help but relay my uneasiness and overall dissatisfaction with what seems to pass as middle class comfort these days. Even then, my idea of middle class may differ quite a lot from another's idea of the same, but that is a discussion for another day. It is no secret that men and women who are approaching 30 often pause for a moment of reflection, an occasion that can frequently send an individual into some form of depression and/or anxiety as the realization that he/she is not where they had thought they might be in life at such an age. I am certainly no exception to such a moment, though I, as of yet, have not suffered from any form of neural and/or chemical imbalance regarding this topic that, if nothing else, is stirring my mind on a regular basis.
The last year has brought on a lot of change in my life and the lives of those who I hold close to me. Events so dynamic that they have potentially rocked the very foundations on which I have built my life thus far. There is nothing like a tornado or earthquake to reveal to a home builder whether or not he made the right design decisions or whether that shortcut or two was worth it in the end. There is nothing like a violent rainstorm to show a roofer whether of not his recent project is indeed watertight. This basic analogy plagues my mind every day as I look back and reflect on the decisions I have made and agonize over whether or not they were the right ones.
As some of you know, I lost my job early this year. I had worked with this company for over 10 years and had for the most part started working for them soon after high school. I had committed myself to working for this company with all the diligence and integrity I had been morally raised to offer. However, to say that I was a shining angel would certainly be a fallacy. I, like any normal guy would bend the rules here and there depending on the circumstances. A coffee break that went longer than it should, a lengthy lunch break here and there... Overall, just small logistical things that would drive any micro-manager mad if subjected to such activities in bulk. Last year, my department was under heavy fire due to our obstinate refusal to bend to corporate demands that would have required us to "cook the books" in a sense. I was fortunate to have a boss at that time who didn't believe in engaging in such drivel and so therefore we continued to be harassed and harangued by various corporate puppets. In the end, myself and several of my colleagues became the subject of an unscrupulous investigation that ultimately concluded in 3 of us being accused of misconduct and 2 of us becoming the scapegoats that they required.
Needless to say I was very disappointed in the decisions that were made but ultimately I found it to be very freeing. I had known for a long time that I did not care to continue with the company, but truth be told, I would probably have never left as the work I did provided me and my family with a stable job, reasonably good pay, and great benefits. With me being jettisoned from the company without a further thought of my well-being, I found myself in the unique position that a man near 30 might find himself if handed a clean slate.
At the age of 18, I had little to no clue as to what I wanted to do with my life. All I cared about was acquiring a steady job and starting a family. I succeeded on both counts. However, though I continued to progress and move up within my chosen occupation, I never took risks that might have landed me in a career better suited to my needs and desires. Losing my job in such an abrupt fashion left me reeling with countless possibilities and I realized that though life can be an adventure and/or one can plan to reside in continuous mediocrity, there is no predicting that metaphorical curve-ball that can change absolutely everything.
Now here I am, just a few days from 30, and nearing a year since that proverbial curve-ball happened...
I would like to say that I am well on track to achieving some freshly made goal. You know, clean slate and all, but Alas! It is not so... Though this past year has certainly been a roller coaster with various other events occurring, and though I have had the good fortune of having an unprecedented show of support from those I call friends, I am no nearer to discovering what sort of path that life might have for me. I feel like there is no visible trail so to speak, that I have been willfully blazing my own, but is this the right plan of action? Is this the course I am meant to traverse?
My Achille's Heel so to speak, would be that I am not fond of taking risks. My actions have a direct effect on my family. My decisions set the stage for the well being or lack of it for my wife and children. So stability usually rules in favor of my own desires. In my mind this is not a bad thing and I have never entertained any sort of malice towards this supposed sacrifice. I chose to get married young, I chose to have kids early, I chose to be a relatively responsible adult when most people my age were irresponsible and marriage and kids were so far off the radar for them. All I can say is that one has to live with the choices he/she makes and the consequences that lie therein, whether they be good or bad. I regret nothing and I tend not to dwell too much on what-ifs. Ultimately, whether the path before me is laid or I have to make my own, the choice will be mine and my life will be what I make of it.
So yes, 30, I have indeed arrived. I wish I could say that I am meeting you under better circumstances, but hey, what man can say to you when he arrives, "The world is my oyster"? Now, I'm afraid it is up to me to devour that oyster, preferably roasted over an open fire and served with an amazing garlic butter sauce paired with an amazing red ale or IPA... Yeah, I know, life is rough...
